Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Kansas City Metro
area market:
“Mission Hills Barbie”
This Princess Barbie is only sold at Town Center.
Comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, Lexus SUV, long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and Amazing house.
Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift.
Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
“Leawood Barbie”
Modern Day Homemaker Barbie is available with Ford WindStar Minivan and matching gym outfit.
Gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
“Independence Barbie”
Recently Paroled Barbie comes with 9mm handgun, Ray Lewis knife,
Chevy with dark-tinted windows, and Meth Lab Kit.
Model only available after dark and must be paid for in cash
(preferably small, untraceable bills).
“Overland Park Barbie”
Yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
Included are her own Starbucks cup, American Express card and country club membership.
Also available for this set are CEO Ken and Private School Skipper.
You won’t be able to afford any of them.
“Harrisonville Barbie”
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder.
Accessories include six-pack of Bud Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set.
Doll can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken’s butt when drunk.
Pickup truck sold separately
with a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free!
“The Plaza Barbie”
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit
and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends.
Percocet prescription available, as well as a warehouse conversion condo.
“Belton Barbie”
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Belton Barbie’s house.
Ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails,
and see-through halter-top.
Also available with a mobile home.
“Westport Barbie”
This doll is made of actual tofu.
She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup
and Birkenstocks with white socks.
She prefers that you call her Willow.
She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Westport Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
“Grandview Barbie”
This classic Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.
Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.
Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available,
but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
“Lee’s Summit Barbie”
She’s perfect in every way.
We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always hunting or fishing.
“Prospect Barbie/Ken”
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken
by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
“Kansas City, Missouri Barbie”
You got $100?
You want a date?
“Kansas City, Kansas Barbie”
Yeah, I got the stuff. You ain’t a cop, are ya?
“Bonner Springs Barbie”
This Barbie is waiting for your six pack and
wants some NASCAR at the speedway!